Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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