You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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