he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
