The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
