Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
