Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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