and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
