The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
