I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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