Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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