I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
