you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
