When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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