if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize