Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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