How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
