dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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