Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
