My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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