My friends, they love my intelligence
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
