John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
