I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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