Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
