right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
