Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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