yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize