you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
