The best revenge is premature balding
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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