I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
