if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
