Kareoke will never be a sober sport
false alarm. still invincible.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
