I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
