im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize