I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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