not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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