onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
