I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
