my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
