and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
