he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I enjoy the company of your penis
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