I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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