Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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