before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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