38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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