Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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