: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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