I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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