so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
