does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to calm my uterus...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
