Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
