Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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