so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
