Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
