My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
