He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
