your parents love me but you hate me
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
