Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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