So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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