this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
