btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
