My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
