Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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